Stephanie. 18. Lost. Hate reality. Welcome to my life.

Again I question my future

I know I talk about my future a lot, but that’s because I’m fucking terrified of it.

Tonight I was talking to my aunt and the second we start talking about my unknown future I just get teary eyed, but the conversation continues, leading into how my mother really is the one holding me back in life. My mom wants me to be her buddy, go to lunch, do stupid things with her, because my brothers won’t and she has no friends. So it’s just me. My mom expects me and her to fly out to California every time there’s an acting audition. Problem, the second we fly back, there’s going to be another audition.. I mean it’s LA PEOPLE. There are auditions EVERY SINGLE DAY. So I have to live there. But again it’s too expensive. So that plan is maybe out of the question..

My whole family, including my aunt. Thinks I should go to college and then focus on acting. I REALLY didn’t ever want to do that. But now I think to myself.. If I didn’t go to college right now, what would I be doing?

I am doing nothing.. There are no auditions lined up. I hate living in my house. I would be siting there in my house bored every fucking day.. Waiting, waiting for auditions to come. Waiting for that one role to make me a star. But that MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN. I can’t live my life on the IF.

So what should I do? They say if I go to college I have something to fall back on if acting didn’t work out. And I somewhat agree. But again school isn’t for me. Work isn’t for me.

So now here I am, searching. Looking up Pima and what they have to offer. I guess I could start next semester and go from there. BUT AGAIN, I’m still living in my fucking house.. In fucking Tucson..

If I went to college I could want to go out if state, do the dorm life. Meet new people. Not be stuck inside my house still!!!!

Money’s a problem

Now, the final question I ask myself now is… Do I just give up on my dream?? At least till I finish college?

That sounds horrible to give up on something I truly care so much about. Something that I have wanted since 8th grade. Something I can’t see my life without

In 4 years I’ll be 22 years old.. Will I want to still act??? So many questions and I still have no answers. I’m so fucking lost I’m soooo lost. I have no idea what I’m doing.. I thought when I come back from Illinois I would have my answers but I feel like it’s just getting worse and worse..

Isn’t it sad that my biggest support with acting is the one that’s holding me back?